I have been M.I.A. for the past few weeks, but boy have we been busy! Katherine's defiant behavior started getting worse about two weeks ago and I had HAD it! I was DONE...stick a fork in me, I'm DONE! So, I immediately went online looking at parenting resources and looking for books to read that would help guide me in what to do...I refuse to raise a brat! So, I found two books by Dr. Kevin Leman. I knew his name because Chris and I have done some of his material in our couples small group Bible study and I have loved those studies! So I thought, well if I liked that so well, I will probably like his parenting books...and the titles really grabbed me. "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours" and "Have a New Kid By Friday." Seriously? I wanted a double dose of those please!
First I read the "Making Children Mind" book because I was really desperate for that particular topic. His take is very interesting and focuses on discipline rather than punishment with unconditional love as the big must. As in, love your children like Jesus...no matter what they do. Of course I already had this part down pat...or so I thought. But he makes very interesting differentiations between making your child feel loved because he/she did something vs. just because they are who they are. Whoa...I get an F in that category and didn't even know it! Sayings like "Oh, good girl!" and "Oh I'm so proud of you for xxx" make the child think that you love them BECAUSE they did something, not because they are the gift that God gave you. WHOA! So instead focus on the behavior...say "Oh, Katherine you did SUCH a great job at picking up your toys! I so appreciate your help! I bet you feel pretty good about what a great job you did!" Cheesy sounding I know...but it works!
The second part of his book focused on the discipline and general guidelines for families (chores, activities, etc.). The discipline is all based from Ephesians 6 "Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother - which is the first commandment with a promise - that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on earth. Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." From this he has developed a few key points, like only tell your child something once. Do not nag, remind or yell at them continually to do something. Make sure they know the rules and when they do not follow through on what you have asked then act...decisively and quickly! Do not use words to "punish" your child and only use spanking when necessary (outright defiance). But for example Katherine has "chores" to do every day before dinner. She has to pick up her toys and help set the table (put the utensils on the table). She doesn't eat until she has finished. So, she tests this theory and refuses to pick up her toys. Dinner is ready, Caroline, Chris and I sit down to eat. There is no place for Katherine. I remind her that as soon as she finishes she may have dinner, but once dinner is over, that's it for the night. We leisurely eat our dinner and then slowly clean up. We are finished cleaning up and Katherine is still laying on the floor next to the table declaring that she cannot eat until she finishes her chores. So, after we finished the clean up, I pick her up calmly, take her upstairs and put her in the bath. It's bedtime and she is not getting dinner. WHOA...the meltdown that occurred! BUT, the next day, she eagerly helped set the table and had all of her toys up without a single reminder. As Dr. Leman says you have to step up and be the parent. Do it calmly and decisively, but make them understand that their choices have consequences. After she calmed down, I sat down, held her close and explained that her choice not to pick up her toys is the reason she missed dinner. I also emphasized that I loved her no matter what, but I will not tolerate her behaviour. Man the turnaround in behavior and manners is UNBELIEVABLE!
So then I read "Have a New Kid By Friday" and it was a lot shorter, but more of a game plan. Something to do every day that eventually has you thinking about discipline in a totally different manner. It's amazing. I don't think I have raised my voice since I read these books, and boy have we had some testing moments. I instead think of an action that is a "real" consequence of whatever choice she has made and do it. Boy does her face look flabbergasted when she realizes I mean business! I love it! It's like a challenge now. And she is so much more self confident and sure of herself. It's amazing!
So, has it all been smooth sailing since? HECK NO! I do have the world's strongest willed child in the form of Miss Katherine. She tests, and tests, and tests and then tests some more, but I now know how to handle it, so I don't feel like I'm just going to explode from frustration anymore. Praise the Lord!! :) As an example yesterday was "meltdown day" for Miss Katherine. She was absolutely PERFECT yesterday morning, jumped up out of bed, got dressed, brushed her teeth and hair, put her shoes on and put her clothes in the dirty clothes all by herself. I thought, man this is great! So off we go to Target to pick up a few things, the bulk of which were for Katherine (new dresses for Sunday School, sandals, etc.) She was pretty good the entire time in the store and listened fairly well. Caroline on the other hand, had to be strapped into her seat, because she kept STANDING UP in the shopping cart seat?! I swear I have two daredevils on my hands! Anyway, back to Katherine. We checked out and were getting ready to leave when I look over and see Katherine standing on the side of the shopping cart...not cool. So I say "Katherine, sit down on your bottom, we are ready to go." Yeah, full on meltdown, kicking, screaming, flailing herself...it was ridiculous. I pick her up, and plop her down in the shopping cart and hastily head for the door. She tries to climb out...while we are moving and in the middle of the parking lot...and still screaming her head off. I put her back in the cart. I finally get to my car, pick her up and put her in the car seat. It was an all out war to get the kid buckled in, but I finally managed. I hadn't said a word yet...I was afraid I would say something I would later regret. I get the stuff put in the back and get Caroline all buckled in and off we head for home. (I skipped the other three places I needed to go.) We get home, I calmly take her straight out of the car seat, up the stairs and put her to bed. I told her that as soon as she woke up, we were going back to Target and returning everything we had just purchased. So, she took a two hour nap and when she woke up, she came downstairs and said "Ok Mommy, let's go return everything." After we ate lunch, I packed the girls up and we went to Target. I made it clear that she was to sit on her bottom in the cart and if she threw a fit we were leaving and she would not be allowed to shop with Mom until she could change her attitude. She was great. We went up to the return desk and I made her put the stuff on the counter and tell the lady that we were returning the items because we had behaved very rudely before. The lady responded, "Oh yeah, I heard you screaming all the way out to the car." Lovely. I had forgotten to get grape juice, so we picked up two things of grape juice and quickly checked out. As we were checking out a different cashier said "Oh, are you in a better mood now? I couldn't even hear my customers you were screaming so loudly." (I wanted to crawl under the table and hide!) After Target we ran to Bed, Bath and Beyond and she was great. She listened and stayed right with me the whole time. Then we zipped into the Christian Bookstore to pick up something and right as we are getting ready to leave...full on meltdown. In the middle of the store! I picked her up (like a sack of potatoes), handed my selections to the cashier, told her I would be back later to purchase them, and headed straight for the door. The manager, ever so politely, held the door for me on my way out. Katherine was kicking, screaming, and flailing as we made our hasty retreat. On the way to the car, she flung her shoes off into the middle of the street and I ran over my toe with Caroline's stroller...I'm sure we were a sight to see! We went straight home and I told her she is no longer allowed to shop with Mommy or go to a public place until she can prove that she will act in a respectful manner. I got her home and she took her second nap of the day.
When Chris came home, the first thing out of her mouth was "Daddy, I didn't know if you fought with Mommy you had to repay (she means return) everything." She was so matter of fact about it, that we both cracked up. She then very politely cleaned up all of her toys, set the table and then said "Mommy, I"m sorry." Amazing! I am not delusional that I think it will be smooth sailing from here on out, but boy is it making a difference. Before she would have been a holy terror for the entire rest of the day and I would have been exhausted and beat down by the end of the day. Instead, I was still energized and at complete peace.
Tomorrow I plan on taking Caroline out to run errands and leaving Katherine at home with my dad or Chris. I will also make sure that Caroline and i do something that Katherine would really be upset to miss out on. Maybe then she will get the idea that it's not so cool to be stuck at home, and instead behaving in public is really a better idea. I have a feeling that might take a few more lessons to totally get, but she will! Of that I am confident!
So that's what we have been up to for the past few weeks. It takes a whole lot of concentration, consistency and effort on my part, but the pay off seems like it is going to be worth every effort I make to have the well rounded, responsible, respectful kiddo that I know she can be.
So until next time! Keep praying for Chris and my fortitude to stick to our guns! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment